


Sam Winchester: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Humour, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 19:04:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1176744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated SAM unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your moose, please pay close attention to the following instructions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sam Winchester: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual

Sam Winchester: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated SAM unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your moose, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

*

Basic Information:

Name: Samuel Keith Winchester.

Date Of Manufacture: May 2nd, 1983.

Place Of Manufacture: Impala Co., Kripke Division.

Height: Fuckin' tall, okay?

Weight: Unknown

*

Your SAM unit will come with the following accessories:

One plaid shirt

One pair blue jeans

One pair of workboots

One cheap fake FBI suit

One Demon-killing knife

When you first open your SAM unit, he will probably be confused or angry. You should show him to his room and make sure he's comfortable.

*

Programming:

Your SAM unit is smart and well-meaning, and can carry out the following functions:

Protection - Not only is he one of the best fighters we know, he's also really damn intimidating. Ain't no one gonna mess with you when SAM's around.

Tutor - Did we mention that he's kinda a huge nerd? It's true. He'll help you study and he'll probably enjoy it.

Hunting Partner - If there's something strange in your neighborhood... you should probably get some rounds of rock salt and take SAM with you on a hunt.

Researcher - For some reason he's really really good at finding information. You'll know he's found what you need when you hear him say, "So get this."

*

Your SAM unit comes with four different modes:

-Hunter: He's pretty much a downright badass in this mode. Nearly unstoppable and probably gonna kill something. Fair bit of advice, though, try not to get in his way. If he doesn't want your help, don't take it personally.

-Friend: If your SAM unit decides he wants to, he's going to become your friend and we are glad to say that if this happens (and it's more likely than not), you're pretty much set for life. The guy's insanely loyal. Only problem is that sometimes you'll ask for pie and he'll bring cake. What the hell, Sam?

-Soulless: Also known as Extreme Sass mode. He might put you in some percarious situations, but if you keep your wits about you, you'll be fine. Also, he might hurt your feelings. That is a risk you are just going to have to take.

-Angry: Step right fucking back if angry mode is activated. You're just going to want to wait for this one to blow over. By blow over, we probably mean that you should wait until he's killed whatever pissed him off. Or at least yelled at it a lot. Try your hardest not to activate this mode by yourself.

*

Relations with other units:*

DEAN WINCHESTER: Although their personalities clash at times, SAM and DEAN are brothers, so you don't have to worry about things going too horribly wrong. They're always going to have each other's backs. Sometimes to the point of dying for each other (though that is more DEAN's area of expertise).  
CASTIEL: SAM actually admires CASTIEL quite a bit, and they get along just fine.  
BOBBY SINGER: BOBBY is like the (good) father SAM and DEAN never had. Aside from the occassional attempt at murdering him (he was soulless, whatcha gonna do?) the untils will get along fine.  
KEVIN TRAN: These two units are almost like brothers. Nothing could possibly cause problems between them. Expect if your SAM unit is posessed by Gadreel and kills a KEVIN unit, who will go into the afterlife believeing his friend killed him. No big though.  
RUBY: RUBY units have a knack for manipulating SAM units into bringing about LUCIFER and the Apocalypse, and so it is advised you keep a close eye on RUBY when she's around SAM.

 

*It should be noted anyone interested in attempting to "ship" your SAM unit should consult an official representative before setting up dates.

*

Cleaning: The SAM unit is generally able to clean itself. Don't try to help.

Energy: The SAM unit will probably make himself salads or something when he's hungry. Don't critisize him too much about it, apparently it's healthy.

*

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: He's being so mean... and sassy.  
A: That's because he's soulless, of course. It'll come back sooner or later, don't worry.

Q: I think my SAM unit might be posessed by Lucifer. He's gone out and bought a white suit... what do I do?  
A: Burn it.

Q: SAM keeps having nightmares about stuff that he says is going to happen in the future... is that true?  
A: Oh wow, we almost totally forgot about that. Just like the writers. Probably is, yeah. 

Q: Sam keeps critisizing my eating habits. I wanted a hunter unit, not an annoying gym trainer. Make him stop.  
A: If you wanted someone who won't get on your case, you should have ordered a DEAN unit. And hey, maybe it would do you some good to put down those fries.

Q: I tried getting my SAM unit to date my CAS-  
A: Woah, we're gonna stop you right there. What did we say about shipping? Don't. We said don't. Look, even if it sounds ridiculously canon to you, we can't promise your units won't be made uncomfortable by your actions. Try fanfiction next time, buddy.  
*

Warranty: With proper care, the SAM unit should live until the natural end of his days. Oh, who are we kidding. He'll probably die 1-5 times, but you shouldn't worry because he'll just keep coming back anyways. However, if you get annoyed with the hunter, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within six months of purchase).

**Author's Note:**

> And now I'm gonna go watch the last two episodes that I've been putting off. Also maybe I'll do a Hannibal one next. Hmm...


End file.
